Attachment theory started with how infants respond to separation from caregivers. In adults, it is usually described with two dimensions: anxiety (how much you worry about being left or not loved enough) and avoidance (how uncomfortable you are with closeness and depending on others).
These patterns rarely announce themselves. They show up in small moments: a reply that takes too long, a partner who wants to talk about "us", a friend who cancels plans.
What it looks like
Higher anxiety often feels like scanning for signs of distance and needing reassurance to settle. Higher avoidance often feels like wanting space exactly when things get close, or keeping feelings private to stay in control.
Neither is a flaw. Both are strategies that once made sense. They become a problem when they run on autopilot and create the very distance or pressure you fear.
Moving toward security
Attachment patterns are not fixed. They tend to soften through steady relationships and deliberate practice.
- Name the need directly ("I could use a check-in tonight") instead of testing whether someone notices.
- If you tend to withdraw, try saying "I need an hour, then I want to talk" instead of going quiet.
- After a conflict, aim for repair, not a perfect conversation: "I got defensive earlier. Can we try again?"